Anatomy of the Worst Day of Football... Ever... The Worst

by Kamo

(Author's note: While some college students consider Thursday to officially start the weekend, I am considering the weekend to be a Saturday through Sunday thing because everyone knows real college teams only play on Saturday. In addition, I did attend the WVU-Maryland game last Thursday but it was more for drinking and things of that nature than it was for football.)

Saturday, September 16th

9:37 - I get off the couch after falling asleep Friday at 7 (see: Maryland-WVU the night before) and turn on ESPN. Lou Holtz is making valid points while Mark May is being his typical moron self.

9:45 - I put in a load of laundry, go to BB&T to cash a check and then trick myself into thinking that eating a bowl of cereal is better than eating a McMuffin. Mistake number 1 for the day and a foreshadowing of the days events.

10:00 - Eating my delicous cereal (seriously, it was) I flip on College Gameday, otherwise known as the best 2 hours on TV. I dig in for what should be a long, great day of college football that, at the time, I thought would culminate in Notre Dame stomping Michigan.

10:15 - The first mention of ND - Michigan on Gameday. The announcers seem to think it will be close, but Brady can't miss and Charlie Weis would never get outfoxed by Lloyd (Manboobs) Carr.

10:45 - I am getting sick of hearing about how good Ohio State, USC, Florida, Tennessee, and Florida State are. For one, I know Ohio State and USC are good. Second, FSU is awful.

11:03 - My parents call to say they are getting close. This is important because the cereal I ate is rapidly dissolving and I want some real food.

11:30 - Parents arrive with food aplenty and plans to take me out to eat at Ruby Tuesdays, but not until the end of Gameday. For the final half hour of the show my father and I sit motionless and quiet like two men listening to a Christmas Eve Mass. We need help.

12:04 - Gameday ends and we go to eat. All I can think about is those little Mini's they advertise on TV and my stomach apparently can't get them off his mind either because he is now eating a hole through my skin.

12:45 - Mini's.

1:10 - Completion of Mini's- kind of. They were great, so great that I couldn't finish them all. And neither could my old man, which marks a first in the Kamlowsky house- Mike Jones and Kamo do not finish their plates.

2:00 - Back at the apartment watching BYU - Boston College in hopes that bin Laden will pick out his next victim in Chestnut Hill. Earl shows up (This is important later).

2:30 - No bin Laden, but BYU is making a game out of this and BC all of the sudden looks like they belong in the MAC. My dad and I smile.

3:00 - Earl decides to get beer and while I didn't plan on drinking, I figure what the hell. I was drunk for ND's first 2 games, why not make it a trifecta.

3:25 - Earl comes back with a case of beer. I drink my first beer while BYU - BC goes into OT. I love life right now.

3:30 - False advertising bastards at NBC. They say 3:30 kickoff- BULLSHIT. More like 3:47 or something like its the Super Bowl. Assholes.

3:47 - Notre Dame comes through the tunnel, sending chills all over me and a tear comes out of my eye. It is the most beautiful thing in the sports world to see those Gold helmets shining in the autumn sun. Almost as if God himself is saying, "Go ahead now boys. Play for Our Lady."

3:50 - Opening kickoff...

3:52 - Prescott Burgess picks off Brady Quinn and returns it for a TD. The beginning of the end. I chug a beer.

4:05 - Chinedum Ndukwe picks off Chad Henne and returns it to the 1. Hope springs eternal and then...

4:07 - ...Brady to Ashley McConnell, TOUCHDOWN IRISH!!! I am yelling at the TV so loud that I scare Earl and I am cursing everything that the state of Michigan stands for.

4:15 - My celebration is short lived however because the next thing I know - Chad Henne to Mario Manningham for a touchdown, "Dad, where the fuck was our cornerback?" Beer.

4:17 - Fumble on the kickoff...

4:23 - ... touchdown Michael Hart. "Dad, we're in trouble." 2 Beers.

4:30 - Chad Henne to Mario Manningham for a touchdown. "Dad... WHERE THE FUCK IS OUR CORNERBACK?" "Jason, I don't know but wherever he is- HE SUCKS!" We drink to that.

4:45 - Chad Henne to Mario Manningham for a touchdown. Michigan 34 - ND 7. "Dad, our secondary sucks ass and Brady looks like a little bitch today." Beers galore. Life is over.

5:10 - By this point I am drunk, the Irish are getting beat down like Kunta Kinte and I would rather crawl into a hole than have to watch the rest of this game.

5:35 - This is ridiculous. All of the sudden Tyrone (I'm a better golfer/liar/piece of shit than I am a football coach) Willingham has returned to coach us. No first downs in the 3rd quarter? Honestly, NO FIRST DOWNS IN THE 3RD QUARTER? What is this, Cheech and Chong come to South Bend?

5:45 - I wish they would get Brady out of there because he is going to get killed and if he does, our season, in effect, really is over.

5:48 - Tommy Z- please sucker punch Chad Henne.

5:53 - I try to decipher what needs to happen for us to get to BCS Championship Game. In this state I am having difficulty comprehending how to use my cell phone, but nevertheless I give it a try. Hmm, let's see...

6:10 - ... after over 15 minutes I have figured out that everyone needs to lose a game in the month of November except us and thats about it. My head hurts too much to think too deep into this one.

6:15 - Brady Quinn throws a nice pass to Rhema McKnight and he makes an incredible catch. The only reason I bring this up is because it was #1 on top plays on SportsCenter that night.

6:30 - Brady fumbles, Michigan returns it for a score to put the exclamation point on the game. My parents get ready to leave, I sit alone on the couch and shed a tear for our broken season.

9:00 - After seeing that Miami got destroyed, Florida State is going down in a blaze of glory, and the loser of the Florida - Tennessee game is screwed I feel a little better. The decision to go to Morgantown is made and it is the best one all day.


So, that is how the worst day of football happened. High hopes were crushed by the direct disobedience of a few. Ambrose Wooden, Terrail Lambert- you should feel shame. We still love you Charlie and Brady, but this week had better be a different story. On Wisconsin and Go Irish!