Journalism?

by Wilson.

SIX MORE DAYS

Yes, six more days until our beloved Steelers play in Super Bowl XL. It's the biggest sporting event of the year, and not just because of the game. For two weeks, one city in America is the center of civilization, and the eager participant in a media orgy. This year is extra crazy around here, as all the local networks are having non-stop coverage of this event.

However, the national media has been less friendly, and there are two articles in particular that have really chapped my ass. The first comes courtesy of ESPN.com and their page 2 bag of hot air Skip Bayless. You might know him from that First and Ten show, where he argues his points at really loud volumes and annoys the shit out of me in the process. Bayless complains about how bland of a Super Bowl this is, and how no one outside of Seattle and Pittsburgh care about the game. He's upset that the game doesn't feature any of his golden boys: Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, or Michael Vick. Well, Skip, too friggin bad. Contrary to what you east coast biased morons think, people do care about this game. The Steelers playoff run has brought CBS its highest football ratings of the season, and there is no larger or more loyal fan base than that of the black and gold. Just watch a Steeler away game, and you're likely to see more people waving Terrible Towels than cheering for the home team. But you wouldn't know that, since your head is so far up Tom Brady's ass. And what's this crap about the Seahawks being nobodies? They were the #1 seed in the NFC, and they got this guy called Shaun Alexander. You might remember him from when he led the league in rushing this year, or maybe when he beat Brady for the NFL MVP. Bayless is also tired of hearing about Jerome Bettis and his family and his homecoming. Gee, it's a real travesty to hear about one of sports' greatest people possibly ending a stellar career with a league title. Why don't you go interview your boyfriend Terrell Owens and ask how he's been since he was thrown off an Eagles team he pretty much destroyed? Skip Bayless, you are an idiot, and one of the main reasons ESPN sucks anymore.

And now we go to Kevin Eck, writer for the Balitmore Sun. Here are just a couple quotes in his bitchy article about how he hates the Steelers:

"Every season I hope for four things. First and foremost, it's that the Ravens win the Super Bowl. After that (in order), it's that the Steelers, Washington Redskins and Indianapolis Colts don't win it."

"The reasons for hating the Steelers go beyond the fact that they are an AFC North rival. For starters, there's Bill Cowher's chiseled chin, Joey Porter's motor mouth and Jerome Bettis' bloated belly."

"It's the Steelers fans, however, that are truly loathsome. Has there ever been a more overbearing, obnoxious, foul-mouthed, slovenly bunch? And that's just the women.But as irritating as Steelers fans are, with their ridiculous towels and "One for the Thumb" slogan, Ravens fans have always had plenty of comebacks for their boasts and taunts."

I heard about this article on WDVE today, and a man called in and let all Pittsburghers know exactly where this moron lives. This article was pure jealousy, and it got me thinking about how inferior the Ravens are to the Steelers in several key aspects:

Team Name: The Steelers are named after steelworkers, tough men that were once the backbone of our local economy and a major part of our nation's economy. The Ravens are named after an Edgar Allan Poe poem. Poe was insane and drank heavily. They may as well have named their team after a Motley Crue song.

Coaching: The Steelers have Bill Cowher, "The Chin". The Ravens have Brian Billick, "The Asshole".

QB: The Steelers have a winner in Ben Roethlisberger. In two seasons he has lost only four games, and taken his team to two AFC title games, winning the second. The Ravens have Kyle Boller, who has been nothing short of a dud. He was benched in favor of Anthony Wright, for Christ's sake.

Famous RB: The Steelers have Jerome Bettis, a class act and a guaranteed first-ballot hall of famer. When the Steelers get near the end zone, it's a guarantee he's gonna barrell across that white line for six. The Ravens have Jamal Lewis. When the Ravens get near the end zone, it's a guarantee he's gonna try to snort that white line and get six to twelve for it.

Loudmouth Linebacker: The Steelers have Joey Porter, who was shot last year, and who has backed up his words this postseason with some of the finest games of his career. The Ravens' Ray Lewis once helped friends stab people, then got out of three counts of murder by squealing on them. He is unable to back up his words because he is always injured, and even if he were healthy he isn't what he once was.

Owners: Art Rooney, one of the NFL's patriarchs and a giant in football history. His son, Dan, has done more to make the NFL the juggernaut it is today than anyone not named Rozelle or Tagliabue. The Ravens' Art Modell is a carpetbagger who took the Cleveland Browns, one of the proudest and most storied franchises in sports, to Baltimore for a bigger payday. What a great guy. I hope he takes a wrong turn and ends up in Cleveland some day.

History: The Steelers have been around for 73 seasons, have won four Super Bowls, six AFC titles, and have 17 people enshrined in the hall of fame. The Ravens have been around for ten, and won a Super Bowl mainly because their defense was good. Trent Dilfer was the QB for that team. Trent Dilfer. I'd rather have no history than that history.

Colors: The Steelers have that imposing black and gold. A perfect contrast of dark and light, toughness and majesty. The Ravens' colors are purple and black. Now where have I seen purple and black together before...

Um, good choice, Baltimore.


So Kevin Eck, Skip Bayless, and all you other peons of the media, sit your dumb asses down at 6:30 on Sunday and watch the Super Bowl. It features two great teams, and should be a good game, even if Tom Brady isn't there.

Tune in next week, where I hope to have a very pleasant review of the Steelers' 2005 season. Until then...

GO STEELERS

Open Mouth... Insert Foot

by Kamo


The comment (or shall we say, "comments") turned out to be so ridiculously wrong that the person who made them should never be allowed to make a statement regarding professional sports again. Following a loss to the Bengals which was capping off a 3 game slide, I opened my mouth with two requests: "Bill Cowher needs to step down because it is clearly time for a change. And, while on the subject of change, if Jerome Bettis doesn't retire after this season I am going to puke." Looking back, they were thoughts so asanine that they made Beano Cook's, "Ronnie Powlus will win two Heisman Trophies," remark look ingenius. These were words that came from a person who, up until last Sunday at around 6:30, could have still salvaged his reputation as a somewhat knowledgeable figure when it comes to anything regarding sports. But alas, both Cowher and Bussie made me look like an utter moron in winning the AFC Championship and heading to Detroit for Super XL.

For Cowher, this Super Bowl trip could allow him to finally shed the "Can Never Win the Big One" label that he has carried like a bad disease. Even if he doesn't win it, what Cowher did in getting this team from having to win in Week 17 to simply make the playoffs to playing for it all was nothing short of spectacular. The gameplan that he and his staff came up with for each game put them one step ahead of the other team each round. In what was arguably his most impressive win to date, he took his team back into Indianapolis just over a month after the massacre that had previously occurred there and, for all intents and purposes, beat down the supposedly unstoppable Colts. So, for everything you have done for this city and this team, I apologize for saying that you need to go- if anything you need to stay, for as long as you want.

As for you Bussie, well I wrote my ode to you a couple of weeks ago and I don't need to elaborate on how much respect I have for you. What I will say is that I only thought that retirement should happen for you because the saddest thing you will ever see in sports is a superstar in the dwindling days of their career because it is like watching snow melt in the spring: it was so fun while it was here, but afterwhile it gets slushy and ugly and you can't wait for the warm weather to start. So Bussie, go ahead, enjoy the warmth after this Sunday... no one deserves it more than you.

So, there it is- I was wrong. Big time wrong. But, I am not a proud man and therefore I can admit my mistakes so all of you who said I was right (you know you are out there) step up and do the right thing: Open mouth... insert foot.

The Greatest?

First off I want to laugh at Dan Bartosh, whose Mile High Salute away messages look really stupid after our Steelers humiliated the Broncos in the AFC Championship. What are ya gonna put in there for the Super Bowl, a big 12? At this rate, that's what the Seahawks will be getting by kickoff.

Now on to business. The euphoria we all experienced after Sunday's big win was quickly eradicated by Mario Lemieux's sudden retirement announcement on Tuesday. Citing a heart condition and inability to regain his old form in the new NHL (and also probably influenced by the sad condition of the franchise and his inability to get a new arena...more on this in a week or two), "Le Magnifique" called it quits after a glorious 17 year career that included two Stanley Cups, six scoring titles, and two MVPs. He also overcame back problems and a little cancer problem, making his career all the more impressive, and at the same time leaving us wondering "what if"...

Over the past two days we have read and heard about how Lemieux is the greatest athlete in Pittsburgh sports history. That's quite a claim to make, considering the long list of legends that have called our fair city home. It really does make you wonder, who is the greatest athlete to ever play for a Pittsburgh team?

We currently have several good candidates. Jerome Bettis is fifth on the NFL's all-time rushing yardage list, and has been the heart of the Steelers for the past ten years. But he has never won a Super Bowl, and Franco Harris still has more yards while wearing the Black and Gold. The ring is also lacking on Hines Ward's resume, although in a couple years he will own every major team receiving record by a large margin. Ben Roethlisberger has been playing like Christ in shoulder pads lately, and has quickly established himself as one of the top three or four quarterbacks in the league. He's one that might be worth watching.

The Pirates and Penguins each have a strong potential candidate in Jason Bay and Sidney Crosby, respectively. Bay has been the model of consistency on the field and a class act off it, and unlike a former Bucco left-fielder (Barry Bonds, not here long enough to merit consideration), he'll be here for a while. Crosby has played a little over half an NHL season, but he is already showing the same flashes of brilliance that Lemieux showed 21 years ago. If he stays here, and if the Penguins stay here and get their shit together, we could be putting him at the top of the list.

The 70s were loaded with candidates. The Steelers of that decade were the greatest football team ever assembled, and there were some amazing individual talents. However, the thing that made them the best was the fact that they did not rely on just one or two guys, and so no one player really stood out as the king of the team, so none of them qualify. Roberto Clemente was arguably the finest right fielder baseball had ever seen, and he is definitely in my top five. But he misses out on the top spot because of some of his self-induced alienation from the Pirates and the city (I realize it wasn't all his fault, but based on what I have read and seen on TV, he didn't have that "Pittsburghosity" that we so greatly love). As Clemente's career was winding down, Willie Stargell's was just revving up. No one hit more home runs than he did in the 70s, and in some ballparks no one has yet to hit them farther, and his leadership and character were the impetus for the 1979 world championship season. Sadly, he is often overlooked when talking about the absolute greatest players ever, and being overlooked is not on the list of criteria for greatest Pittsburgh athlete ever.

There have been some great athletes that spent their high school or college careers in the 'Burgh. Tony Dorsett, Charles Smith, Larry Fitzgerald, Marcus Fisher, and Dan Marino come to mind. But four years really isn't long enough to dominate such a heavy list. The same fate befalls Pittsburgh athletes that competed in sports other than the major four. Kurt Angle, Bruno Sammartino, and Arnold Palmer all ascended to the top of their respective sport, and in each case took it to brand new heights of popularity. But wrestling and golf are niche sports that aren't appreciated by enough people.

That leaves two people that could be the greatest athlete in Pittsburgh history. The first is Lemieux. The numbers speak for themselves. His talent was unmatched, and made even more impressive by his massive physique. He was so good he made difficult things look easy, and impossible things look possible. He saved the franchise in 1984, and again in 1999 when he took over ownership of the team. Here's hoping that whoever buys the team is able to keep it here and get them a new house.

But there is one man, one athlete, who has worn our colors and been better: Honus Wagner.

First off, Wagner was a native Pittsburgher, born in what is now Carnegie. Being a hometown guy goes a long way in getting hometown props. When the Pirates acquired him in 1900 from the folding Louisville Colonels, it was the steal of the century. Over the next 18 years with the Bucs he would post some of the most incredible numbers in baseball history. He led the NL in batting average a whopping eight times, and in RBI and stolen bases five times each, and his fielding was just as good. He led the Pirates to five NL pennants and two World Series, including the first one. In the 1909 Series he outplayed Ty Cobb, as the Pirates beat Detroit for their first ever world title. He was one of the first five inductees to the baseball Hall of Fame. Legendary manager John McGraw, who is second on the all-time wins list, always regarded Wagner as the greatest player ever, saying about his hitting, "Chuck him the ball as hard as you can... and pray." Wagner was also a hell of a guy off the field, and his trading card is the most valuable one in the world. It is truly a shame we do not have video footage of his playing, because maybe then we could appreciate his statue in front of PNC Park a little more.

That's all for this week. Tune in next week, when hopefully we're celebrating. Peace.

This is the NFL Playoffs...

Nice try, Paul Tagliabue.

Cry me a river, Phil Simms.

When these NFL playoffs started last weekend, it was obvious that there were only two teams that mattered: the Indianapolis Colts and the New England Patriots. The week leading up to the Wild Card round, all you heard about was how Tom Brady was so great and how the Pats were the most dangerous team in the postseason. Nevermind the fact that they had a down year and were on their 38th string cornerback (I was two injuries away from getting PT); they were the Patriots, and everyone, especially the knuckleheads that now pervade ESPN's programming, were kissing their asses.

And when we weren't hearing about the Pats, we heard about the Colts, who apparently will never lose again. We heard about the death of Tony Dungy's son, which while tragic, got so overexposed people almost stopped caring. We heard about Peyton Manning and how unstoppable he is. Lost in all of this was the unavoidable rust that Indy's top players would have after a bye week and an insignificant final two games of the regular season.

So we go through the Wild Card round, and the Pats steamroll Jacksonville (who were given no chance and played like they didn't deserve any to begin with), 28-3. New England would then move on to Denver, who had a fantastic season and the #2 seed in the AFC. Go to Denver, which is one of the toughest stadiums in which to win? Who cares? It's Tom Brady, and the Patriots, the greatest team ever. Even when questions were asked about the Broncos and their seemingly nonexistent chances of winning, all anyone on TV could talk about was Brady.

Our Steelers run over, under, through, around, and any other direction you can think of on the Bung-I mean Bengals en route to a convincing 31-17 win. The prize for stomping the #3 seed? A trip to Indy, where the Colts walloped the Steelers 26-7 on a Monday night back in November. For that game, Ben Roethlisberger was returning from knee surgery, and Marvel Smith was out and replaced by rookie Trai Essex, who had the unenviable task of blocking Dwight Freeney. The Colts scored an 80 yard touchdown on their first play, and despite what the score says, the Steeler defense didn't do all that bad. They had Manning confused and off his game. But did anyone remember that for this game? Nope. Nobody in the national media cared, and no one gave the Steelers a snowball's chance in hell of even beating the spread. The way they were talking, Pittsburgh should have just stayed home and let the Colts run a practice for the AFC championship.

So it's Saturday night, and CBS is showing the Pats-Broncos game. Phil Simms is the announcer, and he is doing his usual praising of Tom Brady to the point that I want to puke (I would puke later that night, but for other reasons...). What he was missing during this on-air fellatio was the fact that the Broncos were beating New England up and down the field, forcing five turnovers and ultimately hammering the Pats 27-13. Bust out the Kleenex, Phil, the Pats' dynasty is over, and it was an ugly fall.

Sunday we were treated to the most abominable display of officiating in NFL history. Seriously, this was worse than that coin toss in '98, of which the Steelers were also the victims. Blatant pass interference penalties were not called, an obvious interception by Troy Polamalu was reversed for some absurd reason, giving the Colts the ball back and helping them pull within three points. And maybe the worst call ever, Indy defensive linemen jumped the line yelling for a false start call on Alan Faneca, and some made contact with the Steeler offensive linemen, who were still in position. No flag was thrown, so it should have been offsides, right? Wrong. The refs called for a do-over. Yes, the NFL division round had been reduced to backyard football with the other kids on your block. The refs gave the Colts so many chances to win that something had to be up. Joey Porter was right, they wanted the Colts in the AFC title game. They already lost their one darling when Brady shit the bed, so they had to get Manning in there. Lucky for us, the Steelers played and coached such a brilliant game that not even an 18-11 disadvantage on the field could keep them from losing.

So now what do we hear on TV? The fall of the Patriot Empire, which must be more tragic than the death of Pope John Paul II, and how the Colts choked and blew the game. It wasn't the game plan, the blitzing, the desire, the momentum of the Steelers, but rather the great Colts just had an off day. Give me a fucking break.

If you know anything about football, you are thanking God that the Colts, Pats, New York Giants, or the Eagles (whose season ended back in...oh...September) are not playing this Sunday. The two conference title games-Pittsburgh at Denver and Carolina at Seattle-are everything you could wish for. Even though there aren't any commercial stars or video game cover girls, there are plenty of great football players and storylines.

We have rushing champ and NFL MVP Shaun Alexander and the Seahawks, who won their first playoff game in 388 years this past weekend. Can Alexander recover from a concussion and, with QB Matt Hasselbeck, lead the Seahawks to their first Super Bowl?

Can Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith, who may be the best receiver in football, connect enough to overcome the loss of RB Deshaun Foster and reach the big game for the second time in three years?

Can somebody tell me where the hell Jake Plummer came from? And can he put together another good game to take Denver to their first Super Bowl since some ugly dude named Elway was their quarterback?

And then we have the Steelers. Jerome Bettis, a guaranteed Hall of Famer and 5th all time in rushing yards, almost ended his career by giving away the game winning fumble. Can he finally get to the Super Bowl, which will be in his hometown of Detroit? And what about Ben Roethlisberger, who made the tackle on that fumble return that saved the game, season, and Bettis's legacy. This is his second year, and he has only lost five games out of 30. He was tired and off his game in the playoffs last year, but that experience has manifested into remarkable poise, control, and leadership this year. Could we see a 24 year old hoist the Lombardi Trophy?

If you are a true NFL fan, you will be glued to a television somewhere this Sunday. If you are a bandwagon Pats or Peyton fan...bowling's gonna be on ESPN.

Thanks for the Ride Bus

by Kamo


Lets go back to the 1996 NFL Draft. The Pittsburgh Steelers, searching for a running back to replace the great Eric Pegram, trade a 2nd round pick in the '96 Draft and a 4th round selection in the '97 Draft to St. Louis for a former 1,000 yard rusher who had fallen out of favor with the Rams (In addition, the pick of Lawerence Phillips made a little room as well- morons.) The trade for Jerome Bettis on that draft day made minor national headlines, but for me it was an exciting time because a former member of the greatest college football team in the land (Notre Dame, of course) was going to play for the greatest NFL team in the land. Almost 10 years later, "The Bus" is almost ready to pull into the garage for a final time so I figured we should pay homage to undoubtedly the most unselfish player in the Steelers', and quite possibly the NFL's, storied history.

1996 - In Bettis' first season with the Steelers he was nothing short of spectacular finishing with over 1400 yards rushing and earning AFC Offensive Player of the Month for November. He was also named the Steelers' MVP and a consensus All-Pro as well.

1997 - For the second consecutive season, Bettis was named Steelers' MVP becoming the first player since Terry Bradshaw to accomplish the feat. He finished second in the AFC and third in the NFL with 1,655 yards rushing, just 26 yards shy of the team record held by Barry Foster. He was named AFC Offensive Player of the Month for October and in a late-season game against Arizona he scored a career high 3 rushing touchdowns.

1998 & 1999 - In 1998 he had his third consecutive 1,000 yard season for the Steelers, finishing with 1,185 yards and scoring 3 TDs. In '99 he rushed for 1,091 yards and a team high 7 touchdowns despite having knee surgery in August and not returning to the active roster until after the preseason.

2000 - Amidst talk that he was overweight and too old, Bettis responded with his best season in 2 years with 1,341 yards rushing and a team-high 8 touchdowns. He once again missed most of the preseason with a bad knee, but bounced back and won the team's MVP Award for the third time since joining the Steelers.

2001 - Surpassed the 1,000-yard mark once again as the Steelers posted an NFL-best 14-2 mark and came one game shy of playing in the Super Bowl. Was a key component in the Steelers' success that season as they got back to playing power football and were one of the most dominant run teams in the NFL.

2002 - Was injured and did not post very impressive numbers, however, he did surpass the 11,000 yard mark for his career, moving past O.J. Simpson for 11th place on the all-time list.

2003 - Became on the 10th player in NFL history to amass 12,000 yards for his career and passed Lynn Swann for 7th all-time scoring list in team history.

2004 - Posted 941 yards rushing which left him just 59 yards shy of his 9th 1,000 yard season as a Steeler, but once again leading the team in rushing. He proved that he still had some bounce left in his legs and, along with Duce Staley, led the Steelers to a 15-1 record and a berth in the AFC Championship game.

2005 - Became the secondary option to Willie Parker, but still scored 9 touchdowns. He had his best game against Chicago as he ran through snow and mud for over 100 yards a touchdown. He will leave the NFL as the 5th leading rusher of all-time with 13,294 yards and 3rd in rushing attempts with 3,369.

While it is true that Jerome Bettis is, statistically speaking, one of the most productive backs to ever play in the NFL, he is also one of the most unslefish. In a time whenver the word, "team" has almost faded away completely, Bettis has shown that it is still possible to put a group of people before oneself. In addition, his off the field work with charities and youth groups is unrivaled by any other sports figure in Pittsburgh. So, for everything that you have done and for everything that you have given the city and the people who support you- Thank You for the "Ride."

2006: A Look Ahead

Little known fact - I am psychic. I can see into the future, and let me tell you, 2006 is gonna be one wild year in sports. Here are some of the more notable happenings.

January 14: The Denver Broncos defeat the New England Patriots 37-17 as Tom Brady throws four interceptions. This loss, however, does not deter ESPN from still picking the Pats as the most dangerous team in the playoffs.

January 15: Pitt defeats Louisville in front of 64 people, including the band. Everyone else is at home watching the Steeler game.

January 27: PirateFest opens, and fans actually recognize more than three players.

February 5: The Super Bowl is played. I will not say who is in it so as not to jinx anyone, but this much is certain: the Super Bowl will be played.

February 12: The Pro Bowl is played. I will not say who wins, but this much is certain: no one will care.

March 11: Pitt defeats UConn in the Big East title game. It is the end of a long war of attrition in the Big East, as the teams beat each other up so badly, the final was nothing more than half-court 3-on-3.

March 28: Four Notre Dame football players are arrested for robbing a convenience store. Notre Dame fans everywhere say, "Man, I'm so glad that doesn't happen at Notre Dame."

March 30: The Pirates are officially eliminated from the playoffs.

April 1: The Pirates' season opener against the Brewers.

April 18: The NHL playoffs start for the first time in two years. Ratings are at an all-time high as 2500 people tune into OLN hoping for a rodeo but getting hockey instead.

May 17: Kip Wells has his best outing of the season, coming close to a no-hitter. It is broken up with two outs in the top of the first.

June 4: Nearly 100,000 fans at a NASCAR race realize that they are watching a car go around a circle 300 times and leave, damaging the sport forever.

June 12: The Miami Heat win the NBA title, and Shaq retires from both basketball and his job as a deputy. He decides on something less strenuous. Ladies and gentlemen, Shaquille O'Neal: crossing guard.

July 1: Mired in a dreadful 20-63 season, Pirate GM Dave Littlefield announces a new rebuilding program, saying that "Rome was not built in a day." This absurd quote earns him the nickname "Dave LittleCaesar".

July 29: Steeler training camp opens, but fewer people pay attention to it, as the Pirates are on a torrid 25 game winning streak, thanks to Jason Bay's 17 home runs in July.

August 14: A baby in Santa Fe, NM is given a toy basketball. He immediately declares for the NBA draft and signs a $140 million contract with Nike.

August 28: The Pirates are 66-69 thanks in part to a major sports record 41 game winning streak. Jason Bay leads the league with 48 homers, and Oliver Perez leads in strikeouts and ERA.

September 10: At the Steelers home opener, Jerome Bettis becomes the first person to have his number retired by the franchise, and the Steelers honor him by pulverizing the Saints, 66-3.

October 1: The Bengals follow last year's idea of using a 70s funk star (Bootsy Collins) to sing their theme song, bringing back Carl Douglas to do an updated version of "Kung Fu Fighting". This proves to be a bad idea, as Chad Johnson scores a touchdown then judo kicks the ref in the head, decapitating him. The NFL, not wanting to keep one of their stars out of the limelight, fine Johnson $15,000".

October 2: Despite finishing 81-81, all the good Pirates are traded away, and replaced by the likes of Darnell Coles, Rafael Belliard, Steve Blass, and Josh Morrow. Jose Lind was not found and thus unable to be signed.

October 21: After defeating Illinois, Penn State coach Joe Paterno announces he is enlisting in the Confederate Army, saying he wants to "support Jefferson Davis in his fight to keep the negroes on the cottonfields." The NAACP calls for his head, but nothing is done. Some overly self-righteous Penn State fans (who think that JoePa's words are more infallible than those of the pope) wholeheartedly agree with him.

October 22: The Kansas City Penguins' home opener.

November 2: The Pirates, believing in second chances, resign Derek Bell and Pat Meares.

November 18: Ohio State beats Michigan 44-10 in front of a record crowd of 107,439. The Buckeye players all get a salary bonus.

December 29: Steelers clinch home-field, Roethlisberger reaches 4,000 yards.

December 31: Terrell Owens celebrates the New Year having not set foot on a football field in nearly 14 months.

Cool year, eh? Til next time, Here We Go...

2006: A Look Ahead

Little known fact - I am psychic. I can see into the future, and let me tell you, 2006 is gonna be one wild year in sports. Here are some of the more notable happenings.

January 14: The Denver Broncos defeat the New England Patriots 37-17 as Tom Brady throws four interceptions. This loss, however, does not deter ESPN from still picking the Pats as the most dangerous team in the playoffs.

January 15: Pitt defeats Louisville in front of 64 people, including the band. Everyone else is at home watching the Steeler game.

January 27: PirateFest opens, and fans actually recognize more than three players.

February 5: The Super Bowl is played. I will not say who is in it so as not to jinx anyone, but this much is certain: the Super Bowl will be played.

February 12: The Pro Bowl is played. I will not say who wins, but this much is certain: no one will care.

March 11: Pitt defeats UConn in the Big East title game. It is the end of a long war of attrition in the Big East, as the teams beat each other up so badly, the final was nothing more than half-court 3-on-3.

March 28: Four Notre Dame football players are arrested for robbing a convenience store. Notre Dame fans everywhere say, "Man, I'm so glad that doesn't happen at Notre Dame."

March 30: The Pirates are officially eliminated from the playoffs.

April 1: The Pirates' season opener against the Brewers.

April 18: The NHL playoffs start for the first time in two years. Ratings are at an all-time high as 2500 people tune into OLN hoping for a rodeo but getting hockey instead.

May 17: Kip Wells has his best outing of the season, coming close to a no-hitter. It is broken up with two outs in the top of the first.

June 4: Nearly 100,000 fans at a NASCAR race realize that they are watching a car go around a circle 300 times and leave, damaging the sport forever.

June 12: The Miami Heat win the NBA title, and Shaq retires from both basketball and his job as a deputy. He decides on something less strenuous. Ladies and gentlemen, Shaquille O'Neal: crossing guard.

July 1: Mired in a dreadful 20-63 season, Pirate GM Dave Littlefield announces a new rebuilding program, saying that "Rome was not built in a day." This absurd quote earns him the nickname "Dave LittleCaesar".

July 29: Steeler training camp opens, but fewer people pay attention to it, as the Pirates are on a torrid 25 game winning streak, thanks to Jason Bay's 17 home runs in July.

August 14: A baby in Santa Fe, NM is given a toy basketball. He immediately declares for the NBA draft and signs a $140 million contract with Nike.

August 28: The Pirates are 66-69 thanks in part to a major sports record 41 game winning streak. Jason Bay leads the league with 48 homers, and Oliver Perez leads in strikeouts and ERA.

September 10: At the Steelers home opener, Jerome Bettis becomes the first person to have his number retired by the franchise, and the Steelers honor him by pulverizing the Saints, 66-3.

October 1: The Bengals follow last year's idea of using a 70s funk star (Bootsy Collins) to sing their theme song, bringing back Carl Douglas to do an updated version of "Kung Fu Fighting". This proves to be a bad idea, as Chad Johnson scores a touchdown then judo kicks the ref in the head, decapitating him. The NFL, not wanting to keep one of their stars out of the limelight, fine Johnson $15,000".

October 2: Despite finishing 81-81, all the good Pirates are traded away, and replaced by the likes of Darnell Coles, Rafael Belliard, Steve Blass, and Josh Morrow. Jose Lind was not found and thus unable to be signed.

October 21: After defeating Illinois, Penn State coach Joe Paterno announces he is enlisting in the Confederate Army, saying he wants to "support Jefferson Davis in his fight to keep the negroes on the cottonfields." The NAACP calls for his head, but nothing is done. Some overly self-righteous Penn State fans (who think that JoePa's words are more infallible than those of the pope) wholeheartedly agree with him.

October 22: The Kansas City Penguins' home opener.

November 2: The Pirates, believing in second chances, resign Derek Bell and Pat Meares.

November 18: Ohio State beats Michigan 44-10 in front of a record crowd of 107,439. The Buckeye players all get a salary bonus.

December 29: Steelers clinch home-field, Roethlisberger reaches 4,000 yards.

December 31: Terrell Owens celebrates the New Year having not set foot on a football field in nearly 14 months.

Cool year, eh? Til next time, Here We Go...

Nobody's Perfect

"You throw a rock in the air you're bound to hit someone guilty." - U2, "Dirty Day"

What a fantastic start to 2006! I got some great gifts over Christmas, but none was better than the one on January 2 when I watched Ohio State run over, around, and through the Notre Dame defense in a 34-20 Fiesta Bowl win. The Buckeyes finally lived up to their potential, and if Vince Young goes to the NFL (which he should, what else does he have to do in college?), they should be the #1 team going into the preseason (with ND not far behind, much to my displeasure). So what if they lose their linebackers? They're always loaded there, and next year they will be led by sophomore James Laurinaitis. He should have some toughness in him, considering his father was Animal:

























Um, no not that Animal. This one:


















Animal, one half of the Road Warriors, who were the greatest tag team in professional wrestling history. These guys were so badass they even scared the people that knew wrestling wasn't real. Here's hoping James adopts his father's facepaint for games.

While it was no surprise to me that OSU stomped the Irish, I was shocked when nobody, especially the ND fans, made Ohio State jokes after the game. All season I had heard about the "Ohio State football factory" and how their players are always getting in trouble. Maybe it was just some holiday kindness on the part of my friends.

Or maybe they realized that their schools are no better.

I know that Ohio State has had a lot of problems recently and to their credit they have been trying hard to repair their image and crack down on the trouble. But for people that go to or cheer for other schools to come up to me and make fun of OSU and their shortcomings is downright hypocritical. Over the past few years it seems as though an epidemic of trouble has spread through college sports, and football in particular. It is no longer relegated to just UNLV or the entire state of Florida. It's everywhere, even the school whose logo is on your hat or shirt. But some people refuse to admit that their favorite team or players could commit a heinous act.

Think Notre Dame is perfect? Ask the girl who got gang raped by three of their players.

Next time you chant "We are Penn State", make sure you have a medieval shield on you in case Tyler Reed busts out his bow and arrow.

Nothing bad happens at Maryland? Two words: Len Bias.

Pitt? Gee, I see nothing wrong in 19 year old Billy Gaines getting drunk in a church and then falling 25 feet to his death.

And just yesterday Marcus Vick was kicked off the Virginia Tech team for God knows how many incidents, the last of which was an intentional stomp on the leg of a Louisville player in whatever bowl they were in. Do you know how hard it is for a Vick to get thrown out of Virginia Tech? This guy must be a real piece of work.

I could go on with this forever, and name every school in the country. Hell I can tell you some St. Vincent stories. The point is that this problem is everywhere, and it will stay there until people recognize it happens at their favorite school and not just their rivals'. Too often people deny that it could happen at their school, and even when it does they almost shrug it off. I can't tell you how many Notre Dame fans make excuses about George "Um, sure, yeah I played college football. That's the ticket." O'Leary, saying he sucked anyway and a whole bunch of other lame things that they would not have said had he coached there and won a few games. Right before the Orange Bowl, Penn State coach Joe Paterno practically justified a Florida State LB raping a girl, implying that the girls are always around and the temptation is almost too hard to resist. While it got some negative attention for JoePa, it didn't get nearly as much attention as similar comments made by Bobby Knight a few years ago. Penn State officials probably won't do anything about it, and all the PSU fans will say, "But he's our Joe Paterno. He can't do anything wrong!" These same people would be screaming bloody murder had Jim Tressel or Dave Wannstedt said this, but their arrogance blinds them from realizing it's one of their own that is in the wrong. While JoePa is a decrepit old fuck, he is still a high profile coach of a major college program, and as such he should be held responsible for his words and actions.

College athletes from Ohio State and Notre Dame all the way down to St. Vincent and Seton Hill, are given a great opportunity. They get to play the sports they love while getting an education, many times at little or no cost to them. All they are asked for in return is a promise to represent the school in a good way, both on and off the court. There will always be a few bad apples, and there is no way to avoid that. But as fans we must recognize this and let the coaches, schools, and the entire sports industry know that we will not tolerate it.