Will You, Now?

Holy crap, I haven't been on here in a while. I guess I got tired of doing this for a while and needed a break, but now I'm back and ready to complain about stuff!

A while back I wrote a little piece on how the Penguins were arguably the worst-run franchise in pro sports. Well, I should have waited until after opening day of the baseball season to write that, as a new contender has arrived. And, as an added bonus, they are also right here in the Burgh. The Pittsburgh Pirates (what, you thought it might have been the Steelers? They just won the Super Bowl, dumbass) have done what no one thought was possible: take the miserable run they have been having for the past 13+ years and make it worse. I remember around this time last year writing a similar piece, and something tells me I'll be doing it the last week of April 2007 too.

With today's 7-2 loss to the Astros, in which Craig Biggio sent Paul Maholm's first pitch of the game over the U.S./Mexico border, the Buccos are now 5-15, thanks in large part to that 0-7 start to the season. Sure, they have had some bright spots, like the offensive explosion during the first two weeks that has since tapered off a bit. In fact, they were among the league leaders in home runs, runs, and hits. But while the offense was scoring 6 or 7 runs a game, the pitching was giving up 8 or 9. Ian Snell was in danger of being sent down to AAA after only three starts until he had a decent outing Friday night. Zach Duke got embarassed at the home opener, but then came back with a beautiful performance against Chicago in his next outing. Maholm has struggled mightily and could be in Indy when Kip Wells returns. Victor Santos has primarily pitched like the 4-13 scrub he was last year.

And then there's Oliver Perez. After the 2004 season everyone thought the sky was the limit for him. He went 12-10 on a lousy Pirate team and led the majors in strikeouts per 9 innings. His 2005 outing was a far cry from that, thanks to not exercising in the offseason and then kicking a laundry cart and breaking his toe in July. He came back this year in good health, and after striking out 9 in 5 1/3 innings in the home opener, everyone thought the monster from '04 was back. He wasn't, and his next two outings were absolute disasters. His velocity is gone, his control is shaky, and his ERA is a horrid 6.75. Now, no one knows if Perez will ever regain his old form, as it seems like he's a head case that was doomed after that great '04.

Because of the starters' horrid performances, the bullpen has been greatly overworked, and they too are performing poorly. Ryan Vogelsong has been especially bad, and I have no idea why they even brought him back. For every good outing he has, he has two or three where he walks the first three batters then gives up a double. Damaso Marte has been shaky, as has John Grabow and newcomer Matt Capps, who desperately needs some more minor league experience before getting battered into oblivion up here. Roberto Hernandez, Solomon Torres, and Mike Gonzalez have been solid if unspectacular.

As I said before, the offense started out strong, but even then there were glaring weaknesses. Chris Duffy is hitting nowhere near as well as he was in his brief time in the majors last year. Ryan Doumit and Humberto Cota are both hitting dreadfully and catching even worse (a real bad thing when your position is catcher). Jeromy Burnitz has struck out 18 times, with Jason Bay not too far behind him. Bay, for some reason, seems very apprehensive to swing this year, as evidenced by his last at-bat last night, in which he watched three strikes go by to end the game. Joe Randa has been subpar, and he is certainly not doing anything that the younger Freddy Sanchez couldn't be doing right now. The same goes for Jose "The Human Windmill" Hernandez, whose presence on the Pirate roster absolutely baffles me. He has always been a strikeout machine, and the last time he was here in Pittsburgh (our prize for giving away Aramis Ramirez) he was total garbage. Sean Casey was doing okay, until breaking a bone in his back in a freak play at first. He'll be out six or seven more weeks, essentially making his acquisition a bust. The only bright spot has been Craig Wilson, the benchwarmer who deserved to play who has made the most of his opportunity this year. He definitely needs at bats if the Pirates want to go anywhere this year.

Of course, they won't go anywhere this year as long as Kevin McClatchy and G. Ogden Nutting own this team. Their inability or reluctance to spend money on a top-tier player has destroyed this once proud franchise. I'm sick of hearing about this youth movement we have. Young players are good, but there isn't anyone in the Pirates' minor league system that can propel this team to a championship. They need a guy that can hit .330 with 35-40 homers, or someone that hits .270 but 40-50 homers, or someone that can hit .360 and always be a threat to reach base and then do further damage. All the Pirates have coming up are .280/20 HR guys, which just will not do in this day and age. The Pirates did have two guys that could fit that star player mold, but we gave them away. Aramis Ramirez had a tremendous 2001 with the Bucs, and after a bad 2002 was showing some promising signs in 2003. Then we gave him away to the Cubs in what was nothing more than a salary dump. He has been great with them, and we have made miserable attempts to replace him (Chris Stynes, Ty Wigginton, Hernandez...ugh).

And now we come to Chris Shelton. Now playing for Detroit, he hit like .780 the first week of the season, and is among the league leaders in home runs. He used to be in the Pirates' system, until he was unnecessarily exposed in the 2003 Rule 5 draft. Earlier this week Dave Littlefield admitted he made a mistake with Shelton, and then tried to justify it by saying he wasn't going to put up good power numbers and his defense was shaky. Now, while in the minors with us, Shelton hit 20-25 homers a year, and showed the potential for more. As for defense, poor fielding didn't stop this organization from giving Jason Kendall $10 million a year, and he couldn't throw my mother out if she stole second.

I'm sick of writing about this. Every damn year it's the same thing - young players getting rocked, and has-beens showing their ages. Go to a game now and it's painfully obvious the few fans that are there aren't there to see baseball. They want the fireworks, the view, the pierogi races, and the bobbleheads. I still go to watch the game, and I try to tell every kid around me about what this team used to be like. None of them know about the history of the Pirates, about Honus Wagner and Clemente and Stargell and Forbes Field. All they have ever known is failure and in-game distractions from the atrocities going on in the field.

McClatchy and Co. have once again come up with a nifty marketing campaign that takes the focus away from baseball and puts it on the attractions at PNC Park. "We Will" amaze, entertain, blah blah blah. It's all a bunch of crap, because all I want them to do is win, and then everything else will take care of itself.

We, the Pirate fans, are just as responsible for this failure as the owners, because by going out to the ballpark every night we are perpetuating this misery. Why would they want to spend more on a winner when we are shelling out tons of money to watch an awful team? I think enough is enough, and if I'm right, after the All-Star Game people will stop going and send a message. McClatchy, you have your "We Will" campaign, and now I propose we fans have one of our own:

WE CAN'T take this anymore.
WE DON'T appreciate this franchise being ruined.
YOU WILL assemble a winning team or sell them to someone that can, or
WE WON'T come back.

5 Things I Am Pretty Sure I Think

by Kamo

I am sure you are all wondering the same thing right now: "Where in the name of sweet Gretchen Bleiler's ass have you been?" For my long hiatus I apologize and will only offer this: Do not- stressing the not end of things- drink 20 Guinness beers, go bowling, and use a ball fit for a first grader because the consequences can be tragic for your fingers. Anyhow, a lot has happened since my last reading from the Book of Jason, so for all of you members of my fan club out there, he are 5 Things I Am Pretty Sure I Think...

#5 I am pretty sure I think that the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament is quickly becoming one of my favorite things to lose a ton of money on and have fun doing it. I mean, you thought casinos were fun? To hell with that shit because where else can you put your money on a sure thing (Thanks UCONN- losers) lose it, and still have a blast? Within the brackets I played I picked different games here and there but there were 3 constants: UCONN to win it all, Texas to play for it all, and the Big East to show up at the Final Four. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. The Huskies and Longhorns basically made a fool of me with their stunning losses to George Mason (more on them in a second) and LSU respectively while the Big East played more like their gridiron counterparts and were largely ineffective in doing so. Shit, the biggest win the Big East had was Georgetown beating Ohio State in the second round while the "powerhouses" of the league basically got outplayed by lesser teams in getting beat. But like I said, in all honesty, who cares? I can realistically say I enjoyed watching George Mason and LSU screw me out of a ton of money because they represent what is good about sports. Everyone loves the underdog, and for George Mason in particular, they played the role perfectly in beating three former champions on their way to Indianapolis. So yes, I am a little more poor in the pocket than I was three weeks ago but who cares- the over/under on the Buccos wins this season was 76 and Jason has the over. Easy money.

#4 I am pretty sure I think that while on the subject of the NCAA Tournament, I should congratulate Florida on a job well done, but one thing remains as far as I am concerned: Joakim Noah, I hate you. Now I could do an entire, "10 Reasons Why I Hate You Joakim Noah" type list but that would be petty and a waste of time. Instead I will only say I hate you for a number of reasons, but mostly because you have a striking resemblence to a certain 80's movie star...

Joakim Noah meet...

E.T. the Extra Terrestrial.


Now, some people might look at this and call me an asshole, but just look for a moment- go ahead, look at it........ and upon further review, I am right. Joakim Noah is not the son of a tennis star and a former Miss Sweden, but he is really the offspring of E.T. the Extra Terrestrial. Noah's chest pounding and constant yelling during games would be enough to convince me that he is of another planet, but looking at the pictures the resemblence is almost scary. So, Joakim "E.T." Noah, I despise you and everything you stand for. Why don't you go play tennis.


#3 I am pretty sure I think that Spring Ball has opened up at most schools and what a difference a year makes for a certain team that calls South Bend, Indiana home. Last year at this time Charlie Weis was taking over a team that for all intents and purposes was left for dead by most people due to a certain asshole's inability to do his job. Fast forward to now and what you have is the making of something special for the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. 17 starters return on both sides of the ball, with the most significant returnees being All-American candidates Jeff Samardizjia and Brady Quinn on offense and emerging star Tommy Zbikowski on defense. I for one hope that Tommy Z uses any opposing wide receiver who makes it his way this season as his own personal bitch and gives them a beat down schoolyard style, but that will have to wait. As for Quinn and Samardzjia, they have the opportunity to become the most profilic aerial tandem in school history. Not bad for a place that produced guys named Montana, Theismann, Bertelli, Brown, Ismail, Mirer, Hanratty, and Seymour. Looking ahead to 2006, Notre Dame's schedule is typically loaded all over with Georgia Tech, Penn State, Michigan, Michigan State, Boston College, UCLA, and of course, USC all making their way onto the slate. I suppose the key is getting off to a good start and sustaining momentum over the course of a 12 game season. Looking over their schedule, there are very few places where a letdown will still produce a win, but of course that is what is supposed to happen at Notre Dame. I will be attending the Spring Game (also known as the REAL Blue-Gold Game) on April 22 but until then, here come the fucking Irish.

#2 I am pretty sure I think that Oliver Perez looked like his old self on Monday against the Brewers. He pitched into the sixth inning and, as evidence of his 9 strikeouts, was hitting the strike zone with regularity. If not for the bullpen completely blowing the game, the Pirates would have won the opener in classic Jim Tracy "smallball" fashion. But back to Perez for a moment because for the Pirates to avoid winning less than 76 games this season, he is going to have to be a number of things to a number of people. Firstly, Perez is really the only pitcher in their rotation who has any semblence of what it is like to taste success over a full season. Granted Zach Duke, Paul Maholm, and Sean Burnett all pitched well in their respective second halves of the season, but Perez will have to be a leader for the young guys which is to say the Pirates are more or less putting the future of those guys squarely in his hands. Considering how young Perez is himself, this is a risky proposition to say the least but I will take the wait-and-see approach there. Secondly, more often than not Perez will have to be a stopper of sorts and be able to halt a losing streak here and there. Again, another risky sitution considering his wild inconsistency at times last season could be a recipe for disaster. Naturally the pessimist in me is bringing all this out, but when your favorite baseball team hasn't had a winning season since you were in grade school that kind of tends to happen.

#1 I am pretty sure I think that Barry Bonds is a cheater who should have every record he owns be taken away (ditto that for guys like Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa) and he should be banned from the game for the remainder of time. For someone who has tarnished his image to such a point of no return, Bonds seems to act as if he doesn't have a care in the world. He answers, "No comment" for pretty much every question and in the off chance that King Barry actually does answer something, he does it with a smirk and a snide remark. The issue at hand for Major League Baseball is that Bonds is on the verge of breaking the most exciting record in baseball and he is doing so under a cloud of suspicion that he is more juiced up than Hulk Hogan. What's sad is that, in the scheme of things, Bonds' and his steroid issue should take a backseat to the fact that he is a racist, wife beater, and adulterer who has no regard for anyone but himself. What you basically have behind the bulked up body and jersey that reads, "Giants" across the chest is a man who, for all intents and purposes, is any average scumbag sitting in a regional jail. So Barry, I encourage you to walk away after this season like you intend on doing. By all means, fade away and just be an enigma that will forever remain as nothing more than someone who captured our attention with moonshots and incredible talent. But more than anything, when you leave take the back door out and don't look back.

Well, my fingers are having a tough time keeping up with my brain so that's it for today. To rehash what I said earlier, I apologize for extended hiatus and I hope to be able to stay healthy and preach the gospel according to Jason on a regular basis. Until next time, go to www.bradyforheisman.com to keep yourself sane.

2006 Baseball Preview

After months of non-stop Steeler coverage and missed Aaron Gray layups, it's finally baseball season. Even though the sport is in shambles thanks to a steroids scandal and an economic system worse than most former Soviet Union nations, there's still something special about the game. Don't believe me? Look at the Pirates. They've been awful for the past 13 seasons, yet here we are, still talking about them like they actually matter. This year, though, they have a chance to finish over .500. Of course, they need everything to go right for this to happen, and nothing ever goes right for them, but the possibility is still there. Since I don't have to leave to go watch WrestleMania for a couple more hours, I'll break down each position.

Catcher: Last year Ryan Doumit was brought up to fill in for the injured Benito Santiago, and did a pretty decent job. He and Humberto Cota will be solid if unspectacular behind the plate. Both have decent offensive skills, and while Cota is the better defensive player, Doumit should catch up to him and be the regular starter.

First Base: In the offseason the Buccos got local boy Sean Casey from the Reds. He only hit 9 home runs last year, but he had the 11th highest batting average in the NL. His power numbers should go up in the lefty-friendly PNC Park (plus, based on what he did here when he was with Cincy, he really likes this place), and he will be a dramatic upgrade defensively. What's more, he is one of the nicest and most respected people in the game, and his effect on the dynamics of the team, and the Pittsburgh community, could be immeasurable. If he falters or if the Pirates trade him, there's Craig Wilson on the bench and the monster Brad Eldred in Indianapolis.

Second Base: Jose Castillo is considered by some to be the best defensive 2B in the game, and it's hard to argue that. He has at times shown great power and hitting ability, and at other times...he hasn't. If he can become a more consistent hitter, he can become the top second baseman in the game.

Shortstop: In 2004, Jack Wilson had a phenomenal year, with a .308 average and 201 hits. Then in 2005, a spring training appendectomy and the subsequent recovery helped bring his average down to .257. The real Jack Wilson is somewhere in between those numbers, and I think it's closer to the .308. Defensively he is unmatched among shortstops, as he is a regular on SportsCenter, WebGems, and any other Red Sox lovefest ESPN has. Look for Jack to have a big season in '06.

Third Base: The Pirates brought back Joe Randa, a star from the surprising 1997 team, to provide leadership and consistency at third base, which has been a glaring weakness since Aramis Ramirez was given to the Cubs in 2003. Randa had a good 2005, and a return to the Burgh may give him a boost and help him hit around .300 with 10-15 homers. If not, Jose Bautista will come up from Indy. He's been the third baseman of the future for a while now, and this spring has shown he might be a huge star real soon.

Right Field: Jeromy Burnitz is coming off a 24 home run season, which would have been second on the Pirates last year. Like Sean Casey this lefty will benefit from PNC Park, and will also provide solid defense in right. His age does raise some eyebrows, but if he can stay healthy he will be a productive player.

Center Field: Chris Duffy hit a stunning .341 in only 39 games last year, and he seems to be firmly entrenched in the top of the order for the Pirates. He has blazing speed, and made some incredible catches last year before getting hurt. Whether or not he is fully healthy remains to be seen, but the sky is the limit for him.

Left Field: Jason Bay. What more can you say? He hits for average, he hits for power, he can steal bases (20 for 21 last year), and he plays great defense. Thank God he was signed to an extension in the offseason. Even though he doesn't get any attention because he's a Pirate, Bay is an elite player in baseball, and with a better lineup around him, he could have a huge year.

Bench: The bench looks pretty good, with Freddy Sanchez, Craig Wilson, and youngster Nate McLouth all having experience as a starter for an extended period of time. When needed, they will do a fine job in whatever role they are needed. The only questionable bench player is Jose Hernandez. He has threatened the single season strikeout record on more than one occasion, and he was just awful the last time he was a Pirate (the aforementioned Aramis giveaway). A younger player may have been a much better option than the 36-year old Hernandez.

Starting Pitching: Oliver Perez, at 24 and with 89 starts under his belt, is the grizzled veteran to start the season. After a disappointing 2005, Perez looks ready to get back to his old dominating form. If he stays healthy and keeps his head on straight, he could be one of the top starters in baseball again. Zach Duke and Paul Maholm were amazing in limited action last year, but it is too soon to tell if they can continue on that. This will be their first full season as starters, and fatigue may be a huge factor come August and September. Ian Snell went from being a lock to start in AAA to making the rotation after a great spring, and Victor Santos is a huge question mark. He was awful last year, but he is still relatively young and inexperienced, and might get better. Kip Wells will be out until July, but this could be a good thing. He has all the tools to be a star, but he doesn't seem to have the mental aspect. Either way, this should be his last year as a Pirate.

Relief Pitching: This could be the Pirates' strong point. They are young, they are talented, and a lot of them are lefties. New closer Mike Gonzalez is awesome, and if he can handle the pressure he will be a huge success. Other youngsters John Grabow, Matt Capps, and Ryan Vogelsong are joined by veterans Roberto Hernandez, Damaso Marte, and Salomon Torres to provide some great help for when the starters struggle. This has the chance to be the best bullpen in baseball.

Prediction: Like I said before, a lot has to go right for the Pirates to have a winning season. The rotation is young, and the team's success depends heavily on them. The offense is improved, but they still won't be confused with Murderer's Row. The pieces are in place for a good team...eventually. This year won't be that magical over-.500 year, but they'll get close. Look for them to go 78-84 and finish fourth in the NL central.

Other Observations

BEST PLAYER: Albert Pujols. The guy is just amazing. He'll break a lot of records before he's through.

MOST OVERRATED PLAYER: Johnny Damon. The only reason people know about him is because he played for Boston and ESPN covered his hair and beard incessantly. All those loser Red Sox fans are crying because they lost him, but few realize that his replacement, Coco Crisp, is younger and put up better numbers last year.

BARRY BONDS: He won't break Hank Aaron's record. He'll either get hurt, get suspended for roids, or lose his mind and disappear from baseball forever. Either way, the sport will be better off for not having that creep around.

NO SUNSHINE IN FLORIDA: Just when you thought a team couldn't be worse than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, you have the Marlins, who have dismantled a championship team for the second time in a decade. Neither one of these teams will be anywhere near good, although Tampa has a new owner and some decent young players. Just when you thought things were bad in Pittsburgh, just be glad we aren't in Florida. The weather's nicer, but the baseball sucks.

SURPRISE TEAMS: Milwaukee Brewers. After going 81-81 last year, they'll get the wild card spot this year. They are young and improving rapidly.
Atlanta Braves. They're kinda surprising in that they are always expected to finally have a down year, but they never do. They will once again win the NL East, edging out the upstart Phillies.

DISAPPOINTING TEAMS: Mets (too old), Astros (too old in key positions), Cubs (never healthy).

WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS: I'm taking the White Sox over the Cardinals. Chicago has a lot of good players and they play well together. Rob Mackowiak will do a lot more for that team than you think. St. Louis will once again dominate the NL and lose in the postseason, which is starting to become a disturbing trend.

Until next time, raise the jolly roger and cheer on our Buccos. Later.